Maladjusted adj. (mal-uh-jus-tuhd) Unable to cope or adapt with the demands of the social environment.

Everyone has their deep, dark secret; a skeleton in the cupboard that they would prefer to stay hidden and out of view behind the wooden panels (or glass slidey doors if you have one of those wardrobes). However I am letting my skeleton creak out now and hit the sunlight (do skeletons creak or do then kinda more bang around coz of the loose hands and bones and stuff, I’m not too sure about the onomatopoeic translation of skeleton movements).

I’m Chinese.

I know shocking.

I Can’t Use My Chopsticks Properly.

I have now placed an irreversible stain of dishonour upon my family, my ancestors have been shamed and my descendants will have to forever bear the mark of my ignominy.

But seriously, I can’t. I think it’s something to do with the fact that my brain can’t operate both my fingers at the same time whilst they are trying to operate such difficult machinery. Those two blasted bamboo sticks have time and time again slid out of my hands and into an awaiting bowl of Chinese delicacies and provoked the stares of my mother’s friends and hushed murmurs of embarrassment.

But, you, my dear comrade, it is not too late for you!

You must be thinking “Using chopsticks isn’t that hard, I mean they’re just two measly sticks of bamboo right?”

Well your RONG with a capital R.

1. To start off with there are two types of chopsticks.

*The fancy schmancy one for at home use:

*And the disposable ones you get in dodgy restaurants and Sushi boxes

You’ll probably notice that the ends are stuck together, please don’t ask me why because I have no fucking clue but as for taking them apart all you need to do is grasp the pointy ends and pull them apart. Use all your mighty force and try not to get it in your eye. It is painful. You will cry.

2. Now place the end of the first chopstick on the fleshy, webby bit between the thumb and the index finger and then place the middle-ish part on the top most joint of your ring finger.

3. Now with the second chopstick place it on the top most joint of your middle finger and hold it there with your thumb and index finger.

4. Now move your middle and index finger up and down and up and down so that the top chopstick moves with it.

5. Now just practice and soon you’ll be eating chow mein like this guy: