quirk (noun. qwerk odd mannerism: a peculiar habit, mannerism, or aspect of somebody's character)

So I was just sitting there today taking this science test and I noticed that on the very back page was this very nearly blank page that said ANYTHING WRITTEN ON THIS PAGE WILL NOT BE MARKED in these huge capital letters and boldened and underlined and all that schmancy stuff. Of course, if you had any intelligence at all you would know not to write anything like that on a test paper but our teacher, being from the good oldy time strict India where children aren't allowed to so much as sharpen their pencils without the teacher's permission, didn't know that. So like the extremely intelligent, mature and developed homo sapien  that I am, I decided to waste about a sixth of my test time drawing dissected rabbits and writing things like A BIG POOPOO in my bestest and most elegantest handwriting. 

-Life's what you make of it.

Plenty More Fish

Dragons are one of the most well known and feared mythical beast. They are fairly easy to spot ie. Huge, wings, scaly, breathes fire, that sorta thing. I’m not gonna write down the entomology of the name and everything (which my book of dragons extensively covers) since if you ever face a dragon the only thing you will ever need to know is how to kill it or befriend it. But 100% guarantee the first is easier.

Of course you could just break into some high security government area and steal a nuclear weapon and just kaplomp it onto the dragon (will effectively kill 11 dragons, double the amount if they are small) but in doing so you will be breaking several trespassing, stealing, human safety and government privacy laws and may end up dead.

Guns are also ineffective as those meagre bullets will just bounce off their tough hide and if you’re really unlucky right onto you. Cannonballs are a more effective alternative to bullets but by the time you’ve aimed it and lighted it I’ll bet that the dragon has already eaten you.

This now leaves only a magic wand and a sword so unless you can obtain and operate the former I suggest starting to polish your sword skills. Once you have learnt how to use the sword the rest is rather simple as all you need to do is locate your nearest medieval castle and nick one of their shields and your ready to set off.

Once you are there locate the dragon with your heat vision goggles/binoculars/movement detectors/eyes and once you have appropriately lured or provoked it, just repeatedly wack at it, blocking its timed bursts of fire with your shield (I hope I mentioned it needs to be metal) and just keep going at your own leisurely pace until you get close enough to its head to lop it off.

Now you have your very own dragon head to mount on the space above your fireplace. Don’t have a fireplace? Why that’s shocking!

Serving Suggestion: While you’re at it chuck in a few smoke bombs to blind the dragon (may increase flammability so careful where you chuck it)

If you’re doing all of this to save a damsel in distress please don’t, I mean there’s plenty more fish in the sea or lake or pond or puddle (depending on your travel radius).

Insalubrious (in-sa-lu-bri-ous adj. Unwholesome: not pleasant healthy or wholesome)

Do you ever hear about people complaining about the bad quality of airplane food? Like-
Person#1: Awww... man the airplane food crap is total shit!
Person#2: Yeah... totes, like I thought I was gonna throw up.
Person#1: I didn't finish mine, just chucked the shit into the waste bag.
Person#3: No kidding dude... I gave mine to my dad. He eats anything.
Yeah, thats not how I usually talk, I think...
Anyways the point here is that those people are probably going on crappy western airlines like QANTAS and Jetline and Tiger Flying and the Kangaroo stars or whatever those stupid airlines are called and recieving dodgily microwaved food that was never meant to be microwaved. Whilst foods like steak and gravy and tuna pasta do indeed taste extremely scrummy, when they have been prepared in a premium non stick frying pan with fresh from the market ingredients, taste like total crap if they've been messily thrown into a
microwavaeble tin container and microwaved.
So this time when I went to Paris via the all marvelous EASTERN AIRLINES(yeah its chinese, China is AWESOME!) I was served by squinty eyed chinese flight attendants (no offence), sat in dodgy MADE IN CHINA seats, got to read Chinese magazines, had an ad for a CHINESE accountant firm stuck on my chair and WAS SERVED CHINESE FOOD. These foods unlike the sustenance on substandard European airlines had names like "Prawn noodle Curry"and "Fat Cow Rice Noodle" and "Dancing Moon Chow Mein" (No kidding, that was its real name). These foods were created by people who probably have never heard of the word nutrition and just stuffed whatever thing inside and then plopped in a bowl of noodles, followed by a entire can of oil. I've never tasted better *sighs lovingly*
So next time you look at your flight booking website and see Eastern Airlines right down the bottom of the list next to an unbelievably low price and rationalise that dodgy planes are always cheaper to make just remember the wisdom that I have imparted today and you'll be happy knowing that even if you die, you would have died having just eaten a bowl of scrumptious Dancing Moon Chow Mein (unless of course the plane crashes before dinner is served, pity on you).

-Life is whatever you make out of it.

Warm Yumminess in a Teacup!

Is it one of those cold rainy days when you don’t feel like doing anything but stay in your house? So isn’t your basic right as a human being to just enjoy a nice sweet treat while curled up next to your heater? So you pad to the kitchen preparing to make the most delicious desert in existence but to your absolute horror THERE ARE NO MORE CUPCAKE CASES!

But don’t worry because you can cook the cupcake in a teacup, yep, you heard me right A TEACUP!

Warm, Delicious Strawberry Cupcakes in a Teacup

All you need to do is get:

- 8tbsp (120mL) of butter; some extra for greasing

-4 tbsp (60mL) of strawberry jam

-115 grams of caster sugar

-2 eggs, lightly beaten

-1 tsp (5mL) vanilla essence

-115 grams of self raising flour

-450 grams of fresh strawberries (you can get non-fresh ones, I suppose, as long as your stomach is strong enough)

-some icing sugar (yeah, I know I’m being kinda vague)

Method:

0. Preheat the oven to a toasty temperature of 180 degrees Celsius

1. Grease 6 heavy and fairly thick teacups with butter. Put 2 spoonfuls of strawberry jam into the bottom of each teacup.

2. Put the butter and sugar in a mixing bowl until it’s light and fluffy. Gradually add the eggs whilst beating, and then add the vanilla essence.

3. Sift in the flour and using a large spoon of some sort fold it into the mixture.

4. Spoon the mixture into the teacups.

5. Place the cups into a roasting tin and then pour in water until it comes up to 1/3 of the way up the side of the cups.

6. Bake them at 180 degrees Celsius for around 40 minutes or until it is well risen and golden brown. If you’re not sure just poke a skewer or chopstick into it and see if it comes out clean. (tip: if the top is over browning place a sheet of foil over it.

7. Once it’s done, leave the cupcakes to cool for a while and then lift them out of the oven and place them on saucers for that extra embellishment.

8. Place a few strawberries on each cupcake and then dust them over with icing sugar for that one final touch (alternatively you could place pink icing on it like in the photo).

Viola! Now you can go curl up like a cat and spend the rest of the day with your six new friends. J

Maladjusted adj. (mal-uh-jus-tuhd) Unable to cope or adapt with the demands of the social environment.

Everyone has their deep, dark secret; a skeleton in the cupboard that they would prefer to stay hidden and out of view behind the wooden panels (or glass slidey doors if you have one of those wardrobes). However I am letting my skeleton creak out now and hit the sunlight (do skeletons creak or do then kinda more bang around coz of the loose hands and bones and stuff, I’m not too sure about the onomatopoeic translation of skeleton movements).

I’m Chinese.

I know shocking.

I Can’t Use My Chopsticks Properly.

I have now placed an irreversible stain of dishonour upon my family, my ancestors have been shamed and my descendants will have to forever bear the mark of my ignominy.

But seriously, I can’t. I think it’s something to do with the fact that my brain can’t operate both my fingers at the same time whilst they are trying to operate such difficult machinery. Those two blasted bamboo sticks have time and time again slid out of my hands and into an awaiting bowl of Chinese delicacies and provoked the stares of my mother’s friends and hushed murmurs of embarrassment.

But, you, my dear comrade, it is not too late for you!

You must be thinking “Using chopsticks isn’t that hard, I mean they’re just two measly sticks of bamboo right?”

Well your RONG with a capital R.

1. To start off with there are two types of chopsticks.

*The fancy schmancy one for at home use:

*And the disposable ones you get in dodgy restaurants and Sushi boxes

You’ll probably notice that the ends are stuck together, please don’t ask me why because I have no fucking clue but as for taking them apart all you need to do is grasp the pointy ends and pull them apart. Use all your mighty force and try not to get it in your eye. It is painful. You will cry.

2. Now place the end of the first chopstick on the fleshy, webby bit between the thumb and the index finger and then place the middle-ish part on the top most joint of your ring finger.

3. Now with the second chopstick place it on the top most joint of your middle finger and hold it there with your thumb and index finger.

4. Now move your middle and index finger up and down and up and down so that the top chopstick moves with it.

5. Now just practice and soon you’ll be eating chow mein like this guy:

Don't You Rain On My Parade

When I’m feeling lost and alone, I just remember that...











... you don't need to be a unicorn to shit rainbows. 

A Malodorous Phenomena

I was struck by a most interesting thing today during maths.

Most liquid paper bottles have the phrase:

Liquid Paper

Somehow printed on its label in various fonts.

However

If one is to unscrew the cap of the bottle and position a blob of the white correctional fluid on the brush and apply it to the first and last letter of the second word, one would end up with something like this:

Liquid  ape

Which is pretty damn hilarious if you’ve been sitting in maths for a period and is ready to kill yourself with the pointy end of the parabola. 

I Provide Energy

This will take many hours of pro-ness to create.

Here's an awesome cookie recipe. Trust me its delicious and supremely easy to make, in fact to show you its absolute yumminess, here's a picture of the end result.
For the more intelligent little chummies out there, you will undoubtedly recognize this as a Florentine biscuit drizzled with chocolate. You are one smart cookie! ( see what I did there? Its funny right...right...?)

Now enough of my puns.





Chocolate Florentines
Ingredients
-2 baking tray
-greaseproof paper
-60mL milk
-75g butter
-100g icing sugar
-50g plain flour
-50g chopped peanuts
-50g flaked almonds
-100g of chocolate
-10g unsalted butter
Method
1. Preheat the oven to 190 degrees Celsius and line two baking trays with greseproof paper.
2. In a saucepan heat the milk, butter and icing sugar until all the ingredients have melted
3. Pour the mixture into a bowl and sift in the plain flour, chopped nuts and almonds.
4. When the mixture is cold spoon little mounds onto the baking tray. Place them apart as it will spread quite a lot as it is baking
5. Cook for 7-10 min or until it is golden brown-ish
6. Don't worry if the center hasn't hardened, a few minutes of cooling on a cooling rack will make it quite crunchy!
7. Melt the chocolate and butter together and then drizzle the mixture onto the cookies or just dip them in and make a hard, crunchy, chocolatey coating!

Note: I do not take responsibility for any poisoning that may occur.

There's Green Stuff on the Door

Some dangers are impossible to avoid like a zombie apocalypse. Zombies also known as the “Living dead” tends to travel in large mobs and are notoriously hard to kill. However, luckily for you, they are extremely easy to identify. Due to the fact that they are dead zombies generally have a physical appearance of decay eg. grey-ish green skin that is having off their bodies, perpetually unhealing wounds and random arm movements. However, unluckily for you, because of modern plastic surgery technologies and bionic arms, legs, whatever zombie identification has become harder and harder.

Unlike humans, zombies do not mate and therefore reproduces asexually by injecting their unique zombie juices into living humans via their teeth or nails. If a zombie ever happens to scratch or bite you, do not panic because there isn’t a cure anyway.

Zombie Apocalypses usually counts as big news (unless where you live has frequent zombie/human wars) so if you hear the news of a  zombie apocalypse on Tv/radio/magical portal thingy react fast and make sure to grab the following items on your way out of your house:

#1-Map

The best place to hide during a zombie attack is probably a titanium clad safe house that is underground, preferably with numerous exits that have a one way swing door. But since those are hard to find and expensive to build (this is where the map comes in) find your nearest, preferably large, supermarket then lock all windows and doors and blockade all possible openings. A supermarket is a  rather big place so you’ll find yourself with plenty of places to hide but the it is recommended that you seek safety in the spices aisle as if you find yourself being cornered by a mob of zombies you will have quick and easy access to salt, which temporarily sends the zombie back into its grave temporarily, thereby giving you plenty of time to consult your map (again) and find another supermarket.

#2- Some Form of Weaponry

Crowbars are one of the most well known ways to kill a zombie. By bashing them on the head you will very effectively destroy their brain however crowbars are usually heavy and will require some serious muscle power to lift and deliver a hard enough blow to the head.

Only use if there is no other options or if you specialise in weightlifting.

Fire is one of the easiest weapons to use, just pour some gasoline over the lot of them and chuck in a match and watch them slowly disintegrate whilst writhing in pain. However this method is slightly unstable as if you are careless your entire surroundings has a strong likelihood to go up in flames as well and if you have no exit options the zombies will be able to watch you disintegrate whilst writhing in pain while they disintegrate whilst writhing in pain.

Only use in open areas or places where fire isn’t a big threat eg. ice skating rink.

Guns are readily available in all good shops and presents little danger to the user however unlike humans zombies can only be killed with a shot to the head so if you are not an expert marksman you will find yourself wasting a lot of bullets.

Only use when if you are an expert marksman or if you have plenty of ammunition.

Be creative and find ways to make killing zombies both fun and productive. For more awesome ideas visit this link.

#3- Salt  

See #1- Map

#4- Protective Clothing

Protective clothing is a vital part of surviving a zombie attack as it will protect you from zombie scratches and bites if you ever find yourself engaged in a battle with them. Following is a list of protective clothing.

Armour- Found in most antique stores/museums/costume shops/gothic castles this is probably one of the most effective in deflecting zombie attacks however its weight and clinky-ness makes it difficult for the wearer to move.

Biker’s Leathers- Does not provide quite the same level of protection as an armour but it is easier to access and will present the wearer with greater agility. However if attacked multiple times the leathers will break, leaving the wearer with no protection once again.

Layers- By piling layers and layers of clothing onto your body you will provide yourself with a meagre amount of defence. Cumbersome with little protection, only to be used when no other option is available

#5- Awesome, Epic Ninja Skills

Pretty self explanatory

If you ever find yourself trapped amongst a large crowd of zombies with no obvious way out without being ripped to pieces, stay calm. All you need to do is tilt your head to the side, drool a little, moan and limp slowly whilst holding your arms out in front of you. Zombies are pretty dumb (as would you if you’ve been brain dead for several years) so they won’t notice anyway.

If you’ve made it this far don’t worry in a few years all the zombies will eventually naturally die out and you can return to your former life just with a considerably less amount of people hanging around.

Salutations Fair Gentles!

A new blog! I love new things, they're all shiny and new and stuff like that.